I'm Glad I Did This and I Haven't Died

When you're living the hell out of your life, make sure you're doing the best that you can do.
Live hard, because maybe that's the only chance, or moment, to feel alive.

I have been known as a person with high mobility.  Let's say, I study in Jatinangor (1 hour from Bandung, and 3 hours from Jakarta), but my friends know that I can be all of sudden in Jakarta, or Bandung - alone.
Mini escape has been a way for me to cope stress.  It doesn't matter if I have to go alone with public transportation, doesn't matter if I have to leave at 6 am, and back in Nangor at 10 pm, it also doesn't matter whether you feel like your body heat gets warmer, and your legs hurt so bad.

All I need is a day (or two), leaving town, and meet different people.

1.  AFS Year of 2015 Committee's Farewell

 Kota Tua is my favorite place in Jakarta, yet the last time I went there was with my family 6 years ago.  AFS-Bina Antarbudaya had held a super fun farewell party for 2015's committee.  We had amazing race around Kota Tua, and nice dinner.

As you all know, amazing race should be played in groups, or couples - minimum.  But because on the amazing race, there were 10 people showed up, we had to play individuallyYes, we did amazing race by ourselves - nothing is much bizarre than that.  We went around museums (which I love; except when I had to go around Museum Wayang - Puppet Museum all by myself...  that place had scared me, despite of it was on noon, and people were around), holding the (supposedly) group flag, quests, and so on.  Jakarta was so hot on that day, 32 Celsius degrees, and you had to go under the heat, and solve quiz.

It was tiring, and sweaty but God, I had a lot of fun on that day.
Museums, and laughter I shared later on dinner were two great things I got.  This organization never fail to boost me with positive energy, and it is not everyday, you can play amazing race alone.

Plus, what I like the most from the trip was I got on Transjakarta by myself, even sat next to the driver.

2.  The 6th Music Gallery

Here's to another concert I watched.
Despite of fever, cold, and wrecked legs I felt on that day.

We watched Panama, duo from Australia that had been replayed > 50 times on my iTunes.  Their performance was pure, beautiful.  I was far from the stage, but the vibe had me going.  Sang along to How We Feel, and closed with jumping on Always song.

And, Last Dinosaurs.
I even forget to capture them because I was busy jumping, dancing with him, and singing.  Nearly passed out because the wait from Maliq to Last Dinosaurs was quite long, and I felt my condition getting worse.
Too bad I had to move further from the stage because of the crowd, but at the same time, it was the best decision I made because at back, we could dance and jump, freely.

After the show, I got high fever, and cold, but nothing beats the great feeling of after-watching-concert taste.

3.  AFS Japan Pre-Departure Orientation

A purple sunset, was a sweet thing I had this weekend.
Another escape from reality, and back with AFS is always a good idea.

Great lessons from the orientation, great people, and laughter.
I haven't completely healed from the bad cold, but I decided to leave anyway.

Those three events may nearly killed me, but I am glad I did/attended all of them, and I'm still alive.

That's why, sometimes you have to live harder than you should be,
Because maybe, that's the only moment you can embrace little things,
Like laughter,
or sunset.


Everything Before New Year

Among all the pictures taken in 2015, this has a special place in my heart.  Farewell Party decoration for AFS students.  It suits the post too.

Happy new year!
I know it's a day late, blame it to my internet connection - it was down, couldn't post anything.
My new year was nothing special, because I always - always - spend my New Year's Eve at home.  Maybe the last time I went out at the NYE was in 2010 (going to 2011).  Five years ago, to precise, and it seemed so long ago.

2015 was a fun year, compared to 2013 and 2014.  Everyone who posted on Instagram or Path said that 2015 had taught a lot of lessons, and I am probably one of those people who think that 2015 was full of lessons.  I should probably list how 2015 had been going to me, in many aspects.

College Life
5th semester was crazy.  If you're following my post, maybe you'll ask yourself for me, whining every end of semester as the crazy/tiring semester; but seriously, living in psychology major is THAT crazy and tiring.

I don't know how other psychology major students in another university are doing, but here in University of Padjadjaran, 5th and 6th semesters are considered as the most tiring semesters.  I had 8 subjects, and 5 of them are practical subjects that require 100% of attendance to pass the test.  2 subjects are considered to be the most time-consuming, and friendship-challenging (like it can ruin your best-friends-forever-kind of group) subjects.  Psikologi Sosial Terapan (Applied social psychology) and Konstruksi Tes (Test Construction).  Let me tell you a bit about those highlight subjects in 5th semester :

Applied Social Psychology
Social psychology has known as the difficult subject in my faculty.  Actually, everyone will like this subject because when you learn it, it feels like you know about daily life events that happen around you, and explain it in psychology.  Like, aggression - you know when you're angry or doing harm to someone intentionally ; conflict - just like in my text book, how America and Iraq things are explained with conflict theory ; and most favorite part - love and intimacy.
Here, in Applied Social Psychology, we analyze cases with theory used in social psychology.  For example, my group had analyzed about cyber bullying, bullying, and brawl between high school students.  We explained first about the chronology of the events, then we analyzed the level of problems; whose problem it is?  Why it can be happened?, and we tried to explain it with the theory; so did the suspect harm the victim intentionally?  Then it must be aggression!  or are there any main sources as the source of problem?  We have conflict to explain it!.  This subject really made me use my brain (I rarely use it, like, occasionally), because we were in small group (3 members), and we knew that we just couldn't take that subject for granted.
We had to present our analysis in front of our supervisor.  Plus, when you're doing the analysis, you will think you know the theory, but you can be wrong.  That was what happened to my group, but the good side is, we learn.  Learn.  It was like our way of thinking, and analyze were being fixed.
So, this subject was important, fun, and yes don't do the task a day before deadline (unless you want to sleep in 2 hours).

Test Construction
Have you ever done a psychological test?  Especially when you are in senior grades in high school, you will have it to know your ability, and so on.  We had a subject to make a test, not exactly the same but at least we learn how to make a good test, to measure the aspects we are going to test.  My group was in Intelligence group, measuring a perceptual speed test.  It would be a long post if I have to describe it (no, actually I just won't describing it in English).  In short, this subject was time-consuming, and we did have to put our maximum effort for this.  We had to revise our test that had been constructed, and revised it again, until final.  4 months were all about it, but it wasn't easy.
I'm grateful I was in a group with some of ambitious people, though I have to say, it sometimes got on my nerves, but it was okay.

The rest of the subjects were okay.  Okay doesn't mean fine, but I survived.  I can't say how tiring studying is, I complain a lot.  A lot.  I'm pretty sure we are.

But on Christmas, I read my dear friend's The Economist magazine about Malala Yousafzai, Pakistani education for female activist article.  It made me ashamed for complaining, because she was fighting to get a higher education, for her, for others in her country.  She said it on the article, that many of the girls in Pakistan had to marry in a very young age, quit the primary school to work.  Inspiring to see how she was inspired by the girls around her (sisters, as she called) who were eager to learn more.
I felt (feel) ashamed of myself.  Here, my parents are very supportive for my education, they even pay may tuition.  And I'm complaining about how tired I am, without realizing that there would be hundreds of people out there who want to trade their life with me.  #ReflectionTime

I guess, though 6th semester will be crazier, and the end of college will be making me cry, I should remind myself to be grateful.

Social Life Itself
I met a lot of people.
Joined two committees for AFS were the best choice I made in 2015.  Met amazing people, returnees from so many countries, and also intercultural learning that I hear during the Pre-Departure National Orientation.  I always love intercultural things, never fail to fascinate me.
You win some, and lose some, they said.
All the routines, and new experiences made me had a bit of distance with my other friends.  My best friends from Junior and High School, and my closest friends in college, they said I had been gone this year, I felt it myself too.  I felt incognito.
It saddened me a bit, but sorry was not enough to fix it.  I believe in the word of make time for the one you love, because time is a precious thing.

Love Life

Ups and downs, like everyone has.  Good thing is, I finally found someone who made me much better than before - mentally.  Remember my very messed up broke up with my ex?  So after ups and downs, I met someone who really listen, and make time.  He understands, and he doesn't sit down in silence, he encourages me to be better.
All the bitter things that I had before, made me more realistic about what love is.  Don't be too much kiddo, don't swallow all the sweet things, remember to put your heads down when you're head over the heels.  It will hurt a lot, when you love too much.
Just remember to love yourself better.

Music I heard in 2015 was something I really like.  I started to recognize what kind of music I love to hear, and I listen to so many new artists!  Okay, I'm getting excited, here are my favorites:
  • Oh Wonder
  • Banks (this one is not new but I play it on repeat)
  • Shura (this is so good!!!)
  • Made In Heights
  • Lapsley
And other artists that I found on SoundCloud, or 8tracks.  GOSH, and it breaks my heart knowing that Disc Tarra is no longer open.  Now please tell me where can I buy CDs, physically? :(

Movies I loved, that I watched in 2015 were The Shining, and Dead Poet Society.
No further explanation needed :)
In short, 2015 had been a great year, and thanks God my main problem and anxiety was around my academic life.  And THAT is a much improvement than 2014.


I stop making resolutions because I simply can't fulfill it, and make it true.  To be more grateful, and have a courage will be my basic principles for the starter.
Wishing you a great year ahead, more adventurous things, and life lessons, of course.



Flash Fiction : Knocks On The Window

I woke up in the middle of the night, gasping for thin cold air that surrounded me.  The window was left open, was it me, or someone had entered my room?  I hated it, I always hate cold midnight air.  Upset, I closed the window, and curled inside the blanket again.  Some said when you were a teenager, everything will upset you, maybe they were right.  Teenage angst was not only something you'd read on Salinger's work.

I tried to sleep again, when I heard knock.
A knock from my window.

This time, I was not upset because my room was on the fifth floor - I lived in a flat.  Rather, I was curious, and thought that maybe, well maybe, it was just pebbles being thrown by other teens.

Then, a knock again.  A solid knock, those sound from the fist you banged to the glass.  The air didn't chill me any longer, but the knock did.  Ignore it, Sammy - I said it to myself, but the knock didn't stop.  Slowly, but rhythmic knocks.  Three times...  Sixth times...  And it reached thirteen.

Then, a click.  My window creaked, sign that something started to open it.

I dared myself to look at the window, maybe it's a thief, maybe I can scream and make him scared, so I turned my head slowly to the window.

And what I saw was not something I had a thought, not even once in my life.

There was a man, and I gasped because he was myself.
With same pajamas, hair styles, and dark circle under the eyes..
except the pale skin, black-and-blue bruises.... and there were some ropes tied around his neck.



Anyer - Carita Beach

A month ago, I was kidnapped by my mother to join her office's trip to Carita beach.  Carita beach is located in Banten, about 3 hours from Jakarta.  It was a popular spot in 1980s, but nowadays, people rarely come to Carita because it's pretty much far.  To reach the place, you will pass industry areas - which is super hot, and dry.  It made me felt like I was somewhere in Middle East.

Although the road was quite long, I was pretty much satisfied with the beach.  Well, that's probably the last time I went to beach was at 4th grader in elementary school.  Carita beach was my first ever beach that I visited after some years, literally.

The trip was full with families.  You know, those kind of family gathering event that was held by the office.  So many parents, kids, even babies.  Not a kid-lover kind of person, but I managed myself to take care a 4 years old girl to walk along the beach with me.  Yes, I was surprised too.

I've never been to Bali, Lombok, or even Seribu Island, so there's no great beach criteria in my mind.  The cottage I was staying had the beach as its back yard.  Since it wasn't a public beach, it was pretty clean, and beautiful.  Except there are some trash near the porch of the cottage, but the beach itself was pretty satisfying.

Hearing the wave from the sea, felt the sand with my bare feet, let the salty water tickled my skin.  I was pretty much fresh minded, but now I think I need another beach to refresh my mind.

Or mountain is okay.

Short, I need nature to ease my mind.


Daily Anxiety Thoughts

1. Train at the Jakarta has a special place in my heart.
2.  Taken by him during the road, and the pearl earrings are gone now. Sad.
3.  Cute cat I met at Wale (Bandung).  He was so big, and adorable, couldn't help it.

You know, sometimes, at the strange phase of your life, you will start to wish that you can live forever young -- just because life scares the hell out of you.

Well, I have been off from this blog for almost 3 months.  It's not like I have got nothing to share -- for heaven's sake, I had gone so many things during my summer.  Joining AFS' National Orientation was probably one of the greatest time I had, it made me busy, plus new knowledge and people.  Which I really love the most.
But everything has a risk, and nowadays, I kinda feel like I am losing my best friends because of my messy-busy-schedules.
You know, growing pains.  You are starting to step into your mid 20s, and suddenly reality slaps you.  It's like you start noticing things you have been ignored, and becoming more sensitive.

Anxiety is something that everyone has.  I read once on my Abnormal Psychology text book that anxiety actually has a good effect; it makes you prepare for the future.  Now, that explains why some people are anxious about their future - you're one of them, I suppose.

I, myself, am anxious with everything that's happening around me right now.  Let's face the truth, I have just turned 21 (on July), and it's my 3rd year in the college.  I've noticed that my friends are mostly ambitious - they know what they really want.  Their stabilized GPA allows them to joining some practical study for a month (what we call as KKN).  My GPA has dropped because of one C I had last semester, and it made me unable to take the practical study.

It always sucks to be in the minority, doesn't it?

Plus, the anxiety leads me into self-blaming, "Why can't you be ambitious, just like some of your friends?" ; everyone knows that college is so hunger-games when it comes to grades, and this is not something pretty, or dramatically beautiful.  You know, it's like you have to sacrifice someone in order to keep you good.  Bloody.

By the time you're in your 20s, you're starting to evaluate what have you accomplished these days.  Remember when you were a kid, and parents asked you, "What are you gonna be in the future?".  Now, you will start to ask the same question to yourself, except that the future is just like.. 2 or 3 years ahead.

I'm starting to do things I have been wanted to do.  My current project is taking picture of my outfit - in order to achieve my personal ambition for fashion blog; reading news everyday; and to listen more carefully.  Last week I read the The Teen Vogue Handbook and I'm considering to take an internship at the magazines, or fashion retail during my holiday in December to February (personally, I plan to do it because I'm pretty sad for unable to take KKN this semester).

Well, 21 and the 3rd year of college has been so tiring and it keeps leaving me panda eyes, pale face, but I guess, something good worth writing will be there on this blog.

So have a great day people, please don't let yourself lost.