I Will Never Be Completely Healed

I had loved a boy once.
With who I spent my 3,5 years with.
The one who I thought our love would last forever.
A boy who made me believe in love again.

But the word "The one who you love most is the one who can hurt you most" is true.
Because that boy did hurt me,
In a way that anyone could ever do to me.
It felt like all the good-byes were told, all at once.

I guess the scars he left on me,
Are deeper than I thought it would be.
Because it has been a year, after he said goodbye.
But I haven't been completely healed.

There are nights when the tears fall,
Because of him.
There are nights when I listen to sad songs, and cry,
Because of him.

Why is it so easy for him,
To leave,
And be with someone else?

Though the guard is slowly down,
I'm still scared.
Even to make an expectation, I'm too scared to get hurt again.
Whenever I like someone, I always have that feeling inside me.
That I'd get hurt again.
That a beautiful love life is irrational for me.

I won't have the same perspective about love again.
I won't.

And I guess, I will never be completely healed.


Never Gonna Change - Broods

And I hate that I can't say your name,
Without feeling like I'm part of the blame.
And it's never gonna feel quite the same.
But it's never gonna change.

And I hate that I'm always so young.
Had me feeling like you were the one.
And it's never gonna feel like it's done.
'Cause it's never gonna change.

November's brutally on repeat song.


Au Revoir? No, Not Yet

When I was at the local coffee shop, I noticed a notification from ask.fm on my tab.  A new question, from anon, asked about my post before this.
Here's my answer towards the question about expecting him to return his feeling or not (http://ask.fm/cfadilla/answer/121386689475).

"If you want something, you should go to get it.  Do some efforts, so you will get the answer later on."
Yes, indeed, brother.  I know the theory, but sadly I'm a hopeless romantic, with a very pessimist heart.

I love to write, and blog is my own place to express my feeling.  I have been an open book, and this is my book.  I'm a shy person when it comes to love thingy, I feel braver to write it down. So here it is, another cheesy thoughts on my blog.

Everything is so bizarre these days, I don't know what he's thinking about my feeling, and what should I do with my feeling.  His closest friend told me that I had to tell him about how I feel, to make it clearer, but I'm not sure.  I feel like giving up, but all the things were said.  There is no turning back.

Love is weird, isn't it?  It is a real roller coaster for your emotion.  It makes you smiling from ear to ear, but it has an ability to make you cry the hell out of it.

Is it normal to cry on something that is not even yours?
I want to cry, I really do.  I often feel like crying but a part of me asking, why do you have to cry?
And it makes me think again,
Did I make a wrong move?
Did I choose the wrong path?
Why him?
Of all these people,
Why him?

Crying over him is the least thing I want because let's face the truths:
1. He doesn't do any harm to my feeling.
2.  It is the situation, the condition that makes me sad, not him.

Some said I should just go with the flow, but what if the flow takes me to nowhere?  In the end, everything has to be put in a clear situation.  Either he tells me when to stop, or I stop making moves by my own realization.

I won't saying au revoir now, but a part of me trying to assure it.

All I want is giving, doing the good things to him.  Love is something bizarre, and maybe one day this particular feeling towards him will find a place.
Until that day,
I will do nothing but giving my efforts.


Rain, Tent, Build.

1.  Rain & Tent

November is so forest-month for me.  My favorite new place: Wisata Batu Kuda.
It is not that far from Jatinangor, it's a recreational (+ conservation) forest.  The pine trees are everywhere.  The first time I went there, I was gasped by the beauty.  Never I had seen so many beautiful pine trees in my life before.
A week after that, I went to my first ever camping!  Yes, I spent 2 nights in a tent, ate nothing but breads and instant noodles, and did nothing but chit chatting, sleeping, and (amazingly) watched a movie via my senior's iPad.
As the beginner for camping, I was faced with a quite extreme situation.  A night before we camped, it rained hard, the fog was everywhere.  The road was pretty steep, and slippery.  I did not wear a proper shoes (you know, those mountain-climbing shoes), I only wore my sneakers.  We were supposed to go to the top of the Manglayang Mountain, but sadly, we were too tired.  We climbed for 45 minutes and surrender.  We built tent, and did a proper camping for 2 nights.  As a beginner, I felt so satisfied, and now I'm planning to do another mount climbing soon!  With a better preparations 'fcourse.  Now I understand why some people love to climb the mountains.  You meet new people up there, and when you get back to the city, you appreciate every little thing that you have been taken for granted.  For example, a flat land for sleep.

And yes, when we did our first visit to Wisata Batu Kuda, we did photo shoot.  Thanks to Kak Iqbal, and Kak Agha, I have so many great pictures for my social media account's profile picture LOL no, really.  I'm kidding.  It was a pure recreation, and not only being taken for pictures, I am now learning photography too.  Here is one of my favorite picture, taken by Kak Iqbal.  Yes, I cut my hair again!

2.  Build
Awkwardly took picture with him, with my senior as the mediation. el o el.

I did a biggest thing in my life, that I had never thought that I would do it.
I confessed my feeling to my crush.  I know, I know, it's a very brave thing to do, and I, myself, even still have a difficulty to absorb that I actually did that.

So, he's the same person who I made the post 'Guards Down' for.  At one particular evening, my seniors, lecturer, and I had a quite deep conversation about the feeling I have towards him.  They said I ought to tell him.  At least let him know.

I did not know what struck me on that particular Monday (around 3 weeks ago), I told him that I wanted to talk to him.  At the outside of my college's stadium, I told him about my feeling, and explained that I wasn't expecting anything special, because I knew he was such a naturally kind person.

He told me not to be awkward, but the funny thing was, we were so damn awkward after I confessed it.  At first, I thought he knew about my feeling because people said I looked so obvious, and some of his friends knew about that... but in fact, he had no idea that I like him.
Holy moly.
Some of his friends told me that he was pretty shocked, and confused.  which is.. normal.

The next day after it, we greeted each other, until now everything goes usual.
Except that I look into his eyes even more intense when we greet each other.
Except that I asked him to go to ATM center with me.
Except that I tried to text him (once), asking for something very obvious.

It's my first time, making a first move to my crush.  I have considered so many things, and decided to do it because I need to do it.  Yes, I did not have a huge expectation.  I just have this big feeling towards him, and want him to realize that someone here, likes him, adores him, and accepts him for who he is.

I am not quite sure if someone over my campus reads this and makes a speculation, or guessing about who the hell he is.  I know this is a very brave action to post about what I had here, on my blog.

But the important thing that I get from confessing is, if you love someone, you should let him/her know.  Because it will be beautiful, to know that you're loved by someone out there.  And when you realize that you have a big good feeling towards someone, let him/her know.
And I did it because I know it's beautiful to know that someone out there loves me, adores me.  It will boost my self-esteem, and my own value toward myself.

And I like him, so much.  I like him so much enough to give me a courage to tell him that I like him.
And he means so much to me, since he keeps bringing me happiness.
He's someone who did a lot of good things to me without his knowing.

So, I did 2 new things recently, that changed my life.  Significant events, yes.
When was the last time you did the new thing for the first time in your life?
In case you haven't, go ahead try :)


October Playlist

1.  All I Want - Kodaline

2.  Snow Brigade - Mew

3.  Chandelier - Sia

4.  13 - Big Deal  

5.  The Zookeeper's Boy - Mew

6.  Friend of The Night - Mogwai

7.  Settle Down - The 1975

8.  Local Natives - Wooly Mammoth