Empty Soul, Tranquil Mind

Empty mind.
Empty heart

I am not sure if our mind has its own morphine.  We know there are nightmares, heartbreaks, and wounds inside of us, but somehow we can't feel it.  We're numb, all of sudden.  It feels like our brain is tranquilized, so we can't think to feel it.

It feels so good, sometimes.  So good because suddenly, you're unable to feel hurt.  You just feel nothing.  When you have to smile, you smile.  But when something goes wrong, you just don't react the way you should.

But at some point, it feels like being a mummy.  A dead-man walking.  Empty soul walking.

I am not sure if I am the only one who feels this, or some people have gone this stage.  It just feels weird.  Living as 65% robot, and 35% human.  Or sometimes, 65% human, and 35% robot.

The combination doesn't match, and it keeps making me thinking, "Am I living in a wrong way?  Am I on the wrong path?"

I know how I wanted to feel numb back then,
And now it happens and I just have no idea.

It feels like I'm lost inside my own question about the natural-morphine we (probably) have inside ourselves.
Do we (have it)?



This is probably the strongest picture I have ever seen in my entire of life.

It was a fine afternoon, I was scrolling down my Tumblr feed and saw this picture.  I was possessed with the picture for some seconds.  The first thought was, "Beautiful.".  Immediately, I saved this picture to my phone.  I was and still am amazed with this picture.

The picture's telling us about a person who's going to hang himself.  The outer circle is gray, tells how everything looks so hopeless for him.  But the circle one is colorful, and alive.  He sees hope.  He sees a better life through the rope.  To me, it's beautiful, and it gives me chill.  Sometimes, death that most people avoid, means hope for people who commit suicide.

I live in a country where suicide is not a big fuss.  That's ironic, because Indonesia's suicide rank is quite high.  The latest news I read, our recent survey in the suicide rate is almost equal to Japan's (full article here).  As far as I concern, suicide is not a big problem for our country.  Like...unnoticed.  Sad, isn't it?

Why should I write about suicide?  I can't tell you the exact reason.  Maybe because I have friends who act suicidal, maybe because I had ever had a thought about death, or maybe I'm just interested to spill out my opinion about this.

My another question, what do you think about people being suicidal?

Most of our societies judge people who commit suicide or do suicidal action.  Note that not everyone who's suicidal will commit suicide.  It irritates me actually.  It irritates me every time I hear someone says something not nice about people who commit suicide or are suicidal.

Don't you see that what they actually need is help?

I somehow understand why people do suicidal when I was at my lowest point.  Not everyone will feel this, but most of us will.  When you are mentally hurting, until you think that you can't bear it, you'll start to consider, "It will be better for me to feel nothing at all," in other word, dead.
Some of you maybe read this and think this is so dramatic, but that's just one of the reasons why people can be suicidal.

Ever ask yourself how come someone cuts himself?
Here is the answer, because he wants to know if he still can feel something.
The blade that cuts his wrist, he just wants to see if he can bleed, and how does it feel to bleed.  He hurts so badly mentally, is unsure whether he's still alive, because all he knows, he's a living corp.  So he cuts himself, let the blood drips from his wrist, and watches it silently.  Not that he's mentally disturbed, but he thinks the blood proves that he is still a human.
It's just the other way to show how bad he's hurting until he can't bear it any longer.  He does it over, and over again to calm himself, to show that he's still alive.  The scars on his wrist are proof that he has survived, each day, with depression, and sadness around him.

And maybe one day, he's tired.  Society doesn't understand how bad he's hurting.  When people see the scars, they will just walk away, and judge him.  So he's tired, and decided that death is the only hope.  The only hope to end the endless torture he has been having.

I understand that suicide is not even an option to end the problem, but have you ever had a chance to question yourself 'why' and 'what'?  'Why do they kill themselves?' 'What have they gone through?' 'What makes them decide to end their lives?'.  Those simple questions that will help us to prevent suicide actions, but not many people ask them.

For those who are being suicidal, and think to commit suicide, please remember this, you're alive, no matter what.
I may not fully understand how bad you're feeling, but I understand why you're doing this.  All those scars, don't you see those mean you're still alive?  You have survived.  Will you survive again, for tomorrow, the day after, and until you're fully settle?

I know this post is not being so supportive enough but I'm concerned about suicide issues... and the beautiful picture I put above is one of the reason why I can start to understand people who are suicidal/commit suicide.  At least, this post shows that I am here, aware, concerned, and will help those who need it.


ps. Sorry for the unstructured and a bit of scattered writings.... my brain has been so uncooperative these days. 



2 days ago, I had my 20th birthday.
Yes, 20.

I still can't believe that I will have to write my age starts from 2, not 1 anymore.

I'm not in the mood of writing a long post, but here's the thing.  19 was hard, so many ups and downs, I had my lowest point when I was 19.  So, it's relieving to end my 19 with my best friends.  Although I kinda hate most of my 19, I learned a lot, and realized so many things.
People will come and go, whenever they want.  Some people who gave me birthday greetings a year ago, this year they said none.  Last year my friends were wishing me for an ever-lasting relationship with my ex, this year they wished me luck for my love life and prayed that I'd find a better boy.

Well, at least that was some.
I appreciate those who have stayed during my good times, and bad times.  They deserve to get something good, one day.

19 was pretty hard, I hate it, but I have to admit that some of the 19 memories are just too sweet to be forgotten.
Thank you for all birthday wishes, and greetings.  I still feel so loved.  I'm grateful for it.

God bless you,

(Now 20 years old yuhuuu)


A Bit Of Book Review: 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami

For those who follow me on my other social medias, know that I'm so into Haruki Murakami these days.

Haruki Murakami is a famous writer from Japan, born in Kyoto, 1949.  His works have been translated into more than 40 languages.

Ever since I've heard about Murakami, 1Q84 has been the most famous & some people complain about how difficult the books is to absorb.  I was so eager to read the book, so I bought one.

1Q84 took set mostly in Tokyo.  The main characters were a girl named Aomame, who turned out to be an assassin for homicide suspects, and Tengo, the calm, good-guy type, writer, and a math teacher.  The story line itself is not that surprising in the beginning.  Just the characters' routines, and their own problems.  But as you keep turning the pages, the conflicts went even crazier.

It began from the ultimate breath-taking novel titled 'Air Chrysalis' that had been written by a dyslexia girl named Fuka-Eri.  Murakami had perfectly described Fuka-Eri as a beautiful, flawless 17 years old girl who spoke oddly.  Tengo, as the direction from his buddy named Komatsu, forced him to be a ghost writer of Air Chrysalis because he believed that the work would win the national competition - and it turned to be the winner.  The Air Chrysalis itself told a story about a girl who lived in the very strict religion area, and there were mysterious character named Little People.

Aomame's family was a member of religious organization, but Aomame decided to leave her family because she didn't stand the routines.  As the pages turned, you could see the connection between Tengo's conflict and Aomame's.

I'm not going to be a spoiler, so here is my own opinion about this book.

The cover.  I like the cover that was published by Vintage publisher.
The novel has more than 900 pages, which is so satisfying for me.

And here is the main opinion, the story.

The thing I love the most from this book is the story line.  It's actually quite predictable when you recognize that each character has connection to each other ("I know they will meet!"), but you have no idea how Murakami make the connection exists.  Murakami has his own way to do it, in every novel he has written though.
The conflicts are not common, Murakami keeps adding his psychological, scientific, and artsy view in this story.  The world that has two moons?  And 'cat town'?  Only Murakami can make it happen into the words.
The characters.  To be honest, the main characters aren't as rich as Kafka On The Shore's story.  A girl, and a boy.  Despite of the unusual conflicts they're having, the personalities were quite ordinary.  What I love the most is the additional character.  Let's say Ushikawa, the ugly-looking antagonist, and Fuka-Eri the mysterious dyslexia girl.  Maybe because they are not the main characters, Murakami has described them in details and I just could feel them better than Aomame and Tengo.

If you're reading this, and considering to read Murakami's work for the first time, I warn you, don't expect he will explain every conflict in details.  Murakami loves to leave the readers puzzled, asked "Where the hell this character go?  How about the blablablabla and bla?".  I have read 3 of his works, and it always turned out to be like that.  But I guess, that's just how Murakami writes, and I adore it.  I worship his works.

Overall, this book has left a great impression for me.  Every time my friends ask me about what 1Q84 tells, honestly I can't have a right word to explain it.  The genre is so mixed.  You'll find romance, science-fiction, and mystery in one story, which is the great point from this book.  You can find so many lessons here.  My favorite lesson that I got?

Carl Jung's infamous line.

And here's a bit of my favorite line from the book:

"Most people are not looking for provable truths.  As you said, truth is often accompanied by intense pain, and almost no one is looking for painful truths.  What people need is beautiful, comforting stories that make them feel as if their lives have some meaning."

Wonderwall - Oasis

I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Been playing this song for some days.
Reminds me of someone who spent his night for me, listened to my stories.
You know how much I want to talk to you.
Listening to this song keeps reminding me of you.

I miss you.