October Playlist

1.  All I Want - Kodaline

2.  Snow Brigade - Mew

3.  Chandelier - Sia

4.  13 - Big Deal  

5.  The Zookeeper's Boy - Mew

6.  Friend of The Night - Mogwai

7.  Settle Down - The 1975

8.  Local Natives - Wooly Mammoth



When I like someone, I really like him.  It is like a coin, it has two sides.  It's good, but on the other side, it's bad.

My lecturer once told me that I had a lot of love in myself.
Which is actually a compliment, but sadly, I haven't found the right person or thing to share it.  Talking about irony.

So, in my latest post, Guards Down, I wrote about how I liked someone around me, and how wonderful he was (and is).
Well, life is round-shaped, that's what I believe.  Just yesterday, reality hit me.  It turns out unrequited.  Again.

It's weird because I cried when I knew it.  I mean, I should not cry, right?  Like, it's his right to like everyone around his world, and it's his right to choose.  I have no rights to cry, because well, let's face the truth, I am not his significant person.
I don't have a high expectation on him, because he's a naturally kind person.  Friendly, and lovely.  Naturally.  Let me put in bold, naturally.  That's why whenever I have a moment with him, automatically my thought will tell me that he is just being who he is.  The problem is not him, the problem is on me.

Like the first statement on this post.  When I like someone, I really like him.  I really do.
One of my senior told me, "You said you wanted to love him sincerely, so why are you crying?"
Yes, I really do.
But how many times I let go those people I like (or liked), and let the feelings become unrequited?  My selfishness was probably being on the top, hiding from the unconsciousness, and demanding to be shown.  So maybe, that was the reason of why I cried.

Until now, I like him.  I still like him.
I don't know what makes him different from the other boys that I had liked before, but he is just different.  And, yes, when I really like someone, I make a blog post of him.  On my blog.

It's just another unrequited love.
Just like Lykke Li's song:
"Once again it's happening, oh my love is unrequited."


Guards Down

It's quite surreal for me.  It has been almost a year, and I have been building my guards up.  Sometimes I sneaked out to see who's around, but I often sat quietly behind the guards I made.  Whenever I opened it, they left.  So I stayed. Quietly.

Until one day, I stopped being denial.

Of all these people, my heart has been attracted to that guy. The guy who I was only admired before, didn't know the feeling was growing, didn't realize that my eyes had always been looking for him.
The same guy who I adore the humor taste, the very humble personality he has, the same guy who I took pictures together with on June, the same guy who I had high five with when he finished performing, or playing games, or even when we pass each other by.

I adore him, I was probably only his fans, I called myself like that.
Admired him before I even knew his name, often attracted by his good-looking face, and when we knew each other, and knew how kind he was, there were no doubt I became even more attracted to him.

It's just my feeling that keeps on growing.  Each day I adore him, whenever I greet him, and have a little talk with him.  Nah, I still called myself a fan of him, until one day I felt a dropping-heart feeling when someone called his name.

At that time, I realized that I like him.
I like him.

Of all these people around my campus,
Of all these people around me,
I have this special feeling towards someone, who has no idea about what kind of feeling I actually have to him.

Well, the guard is slowly down. It's scary, really.
It's scary because I am letting my guards down for someone, who's way too kind and has no idea about what I feel to him.

Of all these people.


Empty Soul, Tranquil Mind

Empty mind.
Empty heart

I am not sure if our mind has its own morphine.  We know there are nightmares, heartbreaks, and wounds inside of us, but somehow we can't feel it.  We're numb, all of sudden.  It feels like our brain is tranquilized, so we can't think to feel it.

It feels so good, sometimes.  So good because suddenly, you're unable to feel hurt.  You just feel nothing.  When you have to smile, you smile.  But when something goes wrong, you just don't react the way you should.

But at some point, it feels like being a mummy.  A dead-man walking.  Empty soul walking.

I am not sure if I am the only one who feels this, or some people have gone this stage.  It just feels weird.  Living as 65% robot, and 35% human.  Or sometimes, 65% human, and 35% robot.

The combination doesn't match, and it keeps making me thinking, "Am I living in a wrong way?  Am I on the wrong path?"

I know how I wanted to feel numb back then,
And now it happens and I just have no idea.

It feels like I'm lost inside my own question about the natural-morphine we (probably) have inside ourselves.
Do we (have it)?



This is probably the strongest picture I have ever seen in my entire of life.

It was a fine afternoon, I was scrolling down my Tumblr feed and saw this picture.  I was possessed with the picture for some seconds.  The first thought was, "Beautiful.".  Immediately, I saved this picture to my phone.  I was and still am amazed with this picture.

The picture's telling us about a person who's going to hang himself.  The outer circle is gray, tells how everything looks so hopeless for him.  But the circle one is colorful, and alive.  He sees hope.  He sees a better life through the rope.  To me, it's beautiful, and it gives me chill.  Sometimes, death that most people avoid, means hope for people who commit suicide.

I live in a country where suicide is not a big fuss.  That's ironic, because Indonesia's suicide rank is quite high.  The latest news I read, our recent survey in the suicide rate is almost equal to Japan's (full article here).  As far as I concern, suicide is not a big problem for our country.  Like...unnoticed.  Sad, isn't it?

Why should I write about suicide?  I can't tell you the exact reason.  Maybe because I have friends who act suicidal, maybe because I had ever had a thought about death, or maybe I'm just interested to spill out my opinion about this.

My another question, what do you think about people being suicidal?

Most of our societies judge people who commit suicide or do suicidal action.  Note that not everyone who's suicidal will commit suicide.  It irritates me actually.  It irritates me every time I hear someone says something not nice about people who commit suicide or are suicidal.

Don't you see that what they actually need is help?

I somehow understand why people do suicidal when I was at my lowest point.  Not everyone will feel this, but most of us will.  When you are mentally hurting, until you think that you can't bear it, you'll start to consider, "It will be better for me to feel nothing at all," in other word, dead.
Some of you maybe read this and think this is so dramatic, but that's just one of the reasons why people can be suicidal.

Ever ask yourself how come someone cuts himself?
Here is the answer, because he wants to know if he still can feel something.
The blade that cuts his wrist, he just wants to see if he can bleed, and how does it feel to bleed.  He hurts so badly mentally, is unsure whether he's still alive, because all he knows, he's a living corp.  So he cuts himself, let the blood drips from his wrist, and watches it silently.  Not that he's mentally disturbed, but he thinks the blood proves that he is still a human.
It's just the other way to show how bad he's hurting until he can't bear it any longer.  He does it over, and over again to calm himself, to show that he's still alive.  The scars on his wrist are proof that he has survived, each day, with depression, and sadness around him.

And maybe one day, he's tired.  Society doesn't understand how bad he's hurting.  When people see the scars, they will just walk away, and judge him.  So he's tired, and decided that death is the only hope.  The only hope to end the endless torture he has been having.

I understand that suicide is not even an option to end the problem, but have you ever had a chance to question yourself 'why' and 'what'?  'Why do they kill themselves?' 'What have they gone through?' 'What makes them decide to end their lives?'.  Those simple questions that will help us to prevent suicide actions, but not many people ask them.

For those who are being suicidal, and think to commit suicide, please remember this, you're alive, no matter what.
I may not fully understand how bad you're feeling, but I understand why you're doing this.  All those scars, don't you see those mean you're still alive?  You have survived.  Will you survive again, for tomorrow, the day after, and until you're fully settle?

I know this post is not being so supportive enough but I'm concerned about suicide issues... and the beautiful picture I put above is one of the reason why I can start to understand people who are suicidal/commit suicide.  At least, this post shows that I am here, aware, concerned, and will help those who need it.


ps. Sorry for the unstructured and a bit of scattered writings.... my brain has been so uncooperative these days.